I have come to realize that my fight or fligh response sucks.  In thinking back in times in my life when something has scared me - i freeze up.  Like tonight, this stupid stink bug keeps flying around my ceiling.  He's loud.  And every time it scares me because I think it sounds like footsteps but the steps don't sound like the kids'.  So my body freezes up and I can't move.  My mind says, flip your head around and look idiot, but my body won't move.

When I had the apartment fire - it was the same.  I woke up thinking it was hailing.  And as I woke up more I could hear people screaming and cars honking and in my dazed half asleep state, I thought the hail caused a car accident in the parking lot.  And then I started to hear a kid crying.  Screaming crying.  And it was still "hailing" and then i could hear people running up and down the corridor banging on doors.  I was totally paralyzed in my bed by that point.  I was wide awake and not moving an inch.  I think I wasn't even breathing.  But i thought the banging was some frantic parent trying to get help for their child that got hurt and I got up and opened the door.  And the apartment across the hall from me was up in flames.  I walked out barefoot, wearing a crisp white bathrobe and I was scared to death.  I guess if I had a better fight or flight response, I would have ran back in and grabbed my purse and the suitcase I had packed right there in my living room for a work related trip I was taking that weekend.  But I just walked out.  I remember standing in the parking lot, crying, asking why it was taking the fire dept so long to get there, and some strange man in his jammies hugged me. We stood there and watched as the flames went in the front door of my apartment and at some point I realized I needed to call someone to come pick me up and take me to a bed.

That was probably the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.  Ever.  And it's also the most tragic thing that has ever happened to me.  Ever.  Imagine being 20 (i think i was 20) and losing everything you had.  Not just the material crap like shoes and clothes but pictures, yearbooks, stuff I had when I was a baby that I was hanging onto.  Everything.  The pride that you have in your very first place, gone, poof, up in flames.  It took me at least a year to stop looking for clothes that i no longer had in my closet.  I remember going back to the apartment after the fire department cleared us to try to salvage stuff.  It was a big pile of nothing.  The second floor apartment fell on top of my apartment.  but somehow - out of the whole fire, my apartment was the only one that had a good chance of recovering anything.  If you climbed through the window in the back, you could still walk into my tiny studio apt.  The closet, bathroom, kitchen - all the way up to the front room.   Bill took me.  At the time he was nothing more than my boss and a concerned friend - but I swear we bonded over that experience.  I remember when he dropped me off at my new apartment, I wanted to hug him and thank him for the support but I was too scared of him.  I don't know why I asked him of all people but at the time, he just seemed like a good person to ask.  We were friends and he was a Marine.  He helped me salvage things like the Ragedy Ann doll my mom made for me when I was a little girl, a quilt my great grandmother made me, a big fleece Pikachu pillow (which I still have.  Stewart loves it), my pyrex and glass mixing bowls (apparently that stuff is indestructible), and I think I was able to get some clothes.  I remember openening the top drawer of my dresser (my undergarments drawer) and Bill was helping me dump the contents into a bag and he got bright red and blushed.  Most of my clothes andstuff in the closet didn't make it because the firemen hosed everything off just in case something was burning somewhere. This fire happened right around the time that Febreeze came out and Febreeze doesn't get smoke smell out of anything. The shoes I took with me FOREVER smelled like smoke.

I will always feel indebited to the Red Cross.  They set up in the offices of the apartment complex and handed out vouchers for things like clothes, deposits on a new apartment, groceries, etc.  Up until then, I had no idea what the Red Cross did and maybe I still don't understand fully.  But I would love to have a job with the Red Cross so I can give back to others the way the Red Cross did for me.  People came through for me in a huge way then.  I think it was the first time I realized how I had an effect on people.  Bill took up a collection at the callcenter and between my co-workers and AOL, i got like $2500.  People I hardly knew contributed money.  It still gives me goosebumps to think about it.  The kindness and the generosity helped me make lemonaid out of that very lemon situation.

I kinda strayed from the original point of my post - my fight or flight is pathetic.  I have no fight - which could explain why I'm only recently discovering my backbone and trying to be more assertive.  I guess I have just always been very lucky to have such great bosses.  My boss at General Dynamics felt like a big brother.  My boss at Sprint (not Xohm!) felt like a friend.  I'm just trying to figure it out.  I usually get along with people.  So maybe as I start to assert myself my fight will slowly start to come out.  I doubt it.  Subconsciously, it's probably why I married Bill.  With him being a "trained killer" who needs to have a fight reaction! :)

1. dealing with drama at work that should be over when you leave the 8th grade.
2. not having a chance to ever talk to Bill.
3. Parker waking up crying every 3 hours.
4. This effn stink bug that is LOUDLY buzzing around my room.
5. school work.  I'm tired up getting up early to do it and staying up late to do it.  Both of which I wouldn't do if the accusation was true - see #1.
6. the fish tank.  Something is wrong with the filter but i don't have time to figure it out.  It will have to wait until the weekend.  In the mean time, the tank water looks like pea soup.
7. Writing papers on subject that have absolutely no interest for me.  I can't motivate myself to work on it because I just don't care about it.
8. picky eaters.  I am tired of catering to whatever Parker decides he isn't eating - which is usually dinner, every night.  I would say i cater to whatever he is eating but he doesn't eat much at home.  School says he eats like a champ.  Don't even get me started on Stewart.
9. being tired.  I am level 5 exhausted.  I think I have bags under my eyes and I have actually started wearing concealer.  It's depressing.  I think I can see wrinkles.  Wrinkes and freckles - that's a great match.  NOT!
10. facebook.  What i don't get is why people from high school who didn't know me want to friend me on facebook.  It's been 12 years - I still don't know you.  I was accepting because heaven forbid i offend someone I don't know but tonight I went through and deleted.  There are people on there that I haven't met - Ms. Margo for example - but i feel like she is a kindred spirit.  I have one "connection" that completely baffles me - we were best friends and high school and remained close until about 5 years ago when she quit talking to me and our other best friend for no apparent reason.  It really hurt a lot, for a long time.  It took me a little longer than Holly to get over it - but why would you not return calls, emails, etc but friend me on facebook?  It's kinda mean.  Being me, I refuse to let go but i can't help but think the whole facebook thing is a little ridiculous.  Outside of work and family, I only talk to two or three people on a regular basis.  You should be able to categorize your "friends" if you accept:  true friends, family, co-workers, people I used to know, and people i never knew.

Dang - I'm obviously in a bad mood.  I was about to write up an email to Bill telling him he should try to make 5 minutes to talk to me.  He's been gone since Sunday afternoon and I've probably heard his voice for 3 minutes through ichat.  But I decided I probably shouldn't.

OH!  And - to top it all off, my buttcheeks hurt from spinning two days in a row.  I swear your body NEVER gets used to the seat.

Heres another one of my great lists of 10 :) 

1. He can do it - Parker speaks!  He says Popcorn, cookies, cheese, juice, baba, blanket (which sounds like bahti), shoes, bobo (which is his affectionate name for brother), daddy, mama, puppy, and bath.  I'm sure he knows more but those are the ones that stand out. 
2. I can do it - I'm gonna break this up.  I can manage the kids without Bill.  I have patience - surprisingly.  I think I have the patience because I know I have no choice and I don't want the kids to be permanently scarred.
3. I can do it - at some point this week i grew a backbone and decided that I'm not going to do the usual Tracey thing and sit quietly while someone pushes me around.  I am being assertive and standing up for myself.
4. I can do it - once again, I can manage 5 classes.  I said I wouldn't do it again and I don't really want to be doing it - but what is 4 weeks of misery.  I have long term goals.  
5. You can do it - I just spent 45 minutes looking at this webpage, www.peopleofwalmart.com.  hysterical.  I can't believe that some people actually go out in public like that.  Where I grew up, i wouldn't be allowed out of the closet wearing some of those outfits. And that is just the skanky dressed chicas.  I think my favorite was the man in denim shorts, with suspenders holding up his shorts but his "tummy apron" was hanging out from under his red t-shirt and hanging a good 12 inches over his shorts.
6. He can do it - Stewart is my little first grader and I am so proud of him.  He has been doing so much better with his school work.  I think he just needed a little extra help and a lot of positive encouragement. 
   
7. He can do it - Bill is in Bangalore - still.  It is what it is.  I guess there is never a good time for him to be out of town. 
   
8. She can't do it - I will leave that up to your own personal intrepretation.  Those of you that know me,you know what I'm talking about.
9. I could do it? - i would like to read a book.  Like a real book that I am not required to read.  Something that I don't have to write a report about.  I want to read something mindless and entertaining.  I would go for chicklit even.  Just something that isn't related to school.
10. I need to do it - it's 11:45 and I need to go to bed.  But the stupid sweet tea I had at lunch is keeping me up.  I know better than to have caffeine after 10am.  It keeps me up forever.  FOREVER.

First - 4:30 am is really early.  This is the second time I have tried to get up at 4:30 and do homework and I find that my brain isn't awake yet.  Or at least not enough to do homework.  Anyway - i was up at 4:30 doing homework.  Parker woke up and wanted a bottle.  I let him cry it out when he woke up at 11:30-ish and then again when he woke up around 3.  He didn't cry for long.  But when he woke up at 4:30 I knew his diaper needed to be changed so I got up and offered him some cold soy milk comfort and changed his diaper which was a mere drop away from exploding.

I laid down - fully intended to go back to sleep but my mind started wandering and then I realized that Bill was up - in Bangalore it was about 3pm.  So I got up.  I did a little bit of homework but not enough to justify being awake at that hour.

I did video chat with Bill around 5:30.  I looked like hell.  I have been sleeping in his holey worn out t-shirt.  I'll have to remember to try to look at least decent next time.  Right now at 10:56am, it is 8:26pm in Bangalore.  The time change is brutal.  But somehow it is not as bad as when he had to take trip to Arizona.  It i only a 3 hour difference but someone it was worse.

AnywayI am fully exhausted and craving a nap.  It's lunch time, so I will probably go home and try to clean the kitchen - which needs to be done, desperately! Tonight I am going to bring a bag of activities that Parker and I can do while Stewart is doing cub scout things.  Lets see if that helps.

Such an exciting life that I live!!!!

The first 2 days have been faily uneventful - but I am totally worn out.  It could be the emotionally stressful day that I had at work or it could just be me and the kids trying to adjust to Bill being out of town.

Bill called me when he landed in Bangalore, around 2:30 this afternoon - which was about 1am Bangalore time (i think).  His flight left dulles yesterday around 5:30 pm.  It took him that long to get there.  Poor guy.  I'm glad he was able to fly business class.  I sent him with some medication that I have that would put him to sleep. He seemed grateful.  He always comes home from a business trip with a gigantic knot in his shoulder - i hope that isn't the case this trip.

So my biggest adjustment is having to entertain the kids 24-7.  I have really great kids - Stewart understands that he needs to be my big helper while daddy is out of town.  I almost think Parker has even turned down his oneryness.

Lets see what song I'm singing in a week.  I might be totally gray, that's if I have any hair left.